Time Flies Like an Arrow, Fruit Flies Like a Banana

Having just returned from AL over break, I was contemplating on the challenges of geographically displaced friends and family.  So I got to selfishly thinking, why couldn’t all those we care about live in the same town as us?  We could have our own little society, and never have to travel far to visit loved ones.  I acknowledged that to be fair, we would have to include friends of friends, and also include their friends and family, and their friends, and so on.

But then I realized that we already live there.  It’s called Earth.  Wasn’t it kind of God to place all of our friends and family on one planet?  It saves us the hassle of intergalactic travel, which I hear can be quite a pain.

Just imagine if your little one has an accident midway to Neptune.  Good luck changing that diaper in zero gravity.  Oh, and since restroom stops are few and far between, you’ll probably have to bring some semblance of a container to…well…you know.  Also, I’m not sure that Mapquest or Google Maps has adequate galaxy coverage, and there are very few landmarks (Daddy, that asteroid looks familiar…), so the chances of getting lost, ending up too close to the sun, and going from Original Recipe to Extra Crispy in about 0.003 seconds are rather significant.  On the flip sides, if you don’t make like an intergalactic Eskimo and layer your clothing sufficiently, you’ll probably end up a human Popsicle (your choice of cherry or grape) before you reach your Saturn-dwelling relatives.  Major bummer.

So I have to agree that God knew what He was doing with His plan for the universe (except for required humanity classes in college, I still don’t get that…).  Anyway, back to planet Earth…

As I’ve previously mentioned, I spent my Thanksgiving break with the fam up in AL visiting the Radcliffe family.  If I had to sum up the trip in one word, it would have to be: super-awesome-incredible-wish-it-wasn’t-over-so-soon

(Hyphenation still counts as one word, right?)

(Hmm, should they be called hyphens or dashes?  Maybe both work, but I prefer “hyphen” due to the unique word construction, and because it almost rhymes with “python”, which is a programming language, so…yeah…hyphenation ftw…)

Anyway, I’ve listed some of the highlights from the trip below (Note: The following will contain several “you had to be there” or inside jokes, so if there’s something you don’t get or understand, don’t sweat it.   I do apologize for the exclusive humor).

With that in mind, here we go…

Collapsing in laughter as my 7-year-old brother returns an interception the length of the field for a touchdown (He had the crowd on their feet)

Watching YouTube videos while waiting for episodes of 24 to buffer (Hotpockets…)

Washing pink and purple paintball specks out of my hair after being on the wrong end of a headshot (How long until I respawn?)

Singing “The Hokey Pokey” while standing in a circle with our arms crisscrossed (Tom, you so failed)

Failing miserably at dancing, hula-hooping, and some random broomstick maneuver while onlookers laughed hysterically (Glad I could bring a little light into this dark and dismal world)

Continually refreshing the browser as I “watched” my Wolfpack become bowl eligible (Stupid ESPN, isn’t NCSU important enough to have on a major channel?  Come on…)

Scrambling frantically to recover from the changes made to my Facebook profile by a friend who obviously needs more redeeming ways to spend her time (I love you too Tab)

Flexing muscles and swooning chicks…  (Or should I say, “female specimens”?)

And finally, thank the Lord for unlimited texting (I have to say I probably quadrupled my monthly output in the past 4 days)

So underall (uh…I mean “overall”, sorry, I always get those two mixed up), I had a fantastical, splenderifous, and uber amazing time with some of my bestest and most awesomest friends.

(Boy, spell check had a field day with that last sentence.  I haven’t seen that many red marks since my last Computer Systems exam)

Thanks to everyone in AL for an unforgettable trip.  Y’all are the kind of friends that make Earth so incredible…

Wide Awake...Or in my case, Skinny Awake

*Yawn*

I rolled over and snuggled further (Or is it farther?  My apathy disallows me from looking it up myself, so if some grammar guru could get back with me on that, I’d appreciate it) under the covers.  The stillness and tranquility of nighttime (broken only by the occasional mumble from my roommate below me) combined with the two inches of Temperpedic foam beneath me was slowly lulling me into a state of blissful unconsciousness.  I sought to empty my mind of the distractions of yesterday, today, and tomorrowday (Yes, I appended “day” on the end of tomorrow.  I strongly dislike the discontinuity that the lack of “day” presents.  If yesterday and today get a “day” at the end of their word, I think tomorrow should too.  Therefore I will now refer to the day after today as “tomorrowday”).

So there I was, mere picoseconds away from an eight hour hibernation (because I’m sure my Mom will read this through my sister’s account, allow me to clarify that I went to bed at 11:30pm, and yes, I had brushed my teeth, and yes, I’d  taken my Juice Plus).  When all of a sudden,

*clank-clank*  *rattle-rattle-rattle*

I was greeted with all manner of metal related noises.  Somewhat perturbed at being snatched from the periphery of slumber, I glanced over the edge of our bunk-bed attempting to locate the misbehaving machine miscreant.  Aha, it appeared that the AC unit bordering my roommate’s bunk was making the racket.  It had been quiet just a few seconds earlier, merely emitting a soft and comforting hum, but maybe that was its gameplan…attempt to lull me into a false sense of sleepy security, and then, BAM, make noise.  While my roommate appeared to be oblivious and immune to the AC unit’s diabolical plot (aka, he was sleeping like a rock), I for one was not going to stand for it.

My plan was simple: Find the electrical outlet it was using, trace that line back to the powergrid, track that back to the power company supplying the electricity, send in a crack squad of covert ops troops, have them plant C4 at each of the company’s power stations, detonate the explosives, and VOILA!  The AC unit shuts off!

It’s foolproof… (If you imagined Gill from “Finding Nemo” when you read that, you win)

Hmm…hang on…I think I might have spied some drawbacks to this plan.  Despite the coolness of the plan, I think it would mean I would lose power to the Xbox and TV as well.  We can’t have that!  There must be a better way…

After several minutes of intense mental deliberation, I hit upon a new brilliant plan.  Lift up the cover on the top of the AC unit and slide the tab from “ON” to “OFF”.  Simple?  Yes.  Effective?  Yes.  Complex, cool, and awesome because it involves covert operations and explosives?  No.

But it would have to do, as every minute I was losing another 60 billion nanoseconds of sleep!!  So with my new shutdown scheme in mind, I again leaned over the edge of the top bunk and reached down towards the AC unit.

Hmm, my simple plan seems to have hit a slight snag…  It seems that my roommate’s hand is resting directly on top of the panel that houses the ON/OFF button.  I now am faced with an ethical dilemma.

Do I...

A)  Attempt to gently move his hand and hope he doesn’t wake up with me leaning over the bed and holding his hand

B)  Use my mind control powers to force him to roll over

C)  Whisper “Scott, hey Scott” until he wakes up, and then explain my dilemma

D) Devise and construct a Rube Goldberg machine that will move his hand, lift the panel, and slide the button to “OFF”

In the end, I didn’t have to choose any of these options.  Which is good, because each choice had its flaws.

Option A) had too much potential for extreme awkwardness…I would have had a lot of explaining to do…

Option B) was impossible because I didn’t have sufficient mana for my mind control spell.

Option C) was possible, but I decided not to out of respect for my roommate’s 8 o’clock class the next morning

Option D) would have uber awesome, but my building materials were rather limited.  I’m not sure what I could have put together with a few dirty socks, a plastic bag, a box of Cheddar bunnies, and about a dozen empty Cheerwine cans.

What ended up happening was much less dramatic.  My roommate mumbled and readjusted his sleeping position, thus freeing up the all important panel.  I then proceeded to reach down, turn the AC unit off, and sleep until morning.

Now I know if you had asked anyone else to relate this experience, their answer would have been something normal, like, "Last night the air-conditioner was making noise, so I reached over and turned it off."  But since I strive to avoid normalcy at all costs, I wrote a blog post about it.  Aren't y'all lucky...

Btw, I know this is my second post in a week, but after my long absence, I figured I owed it to you guys.  This post is an attempt to satiate your hunger and desire for more of my unique and quirky writings.

Don’t expect this to be a regular thing though.  There’s no way I’m writing another one tomorrowday.  You’ll just have to wait…

The Day After...

(Note: This post is not politically correct.  The views expressed below are solely that of its author, and do not necessarily reflect the views of a sane or intellectually mature person.)

Excuse my lengthy blogging hiatus (I’ll save you a Google search, it means “break” or “pause”).

I have my reasons.  They involve apathy and an Xbox.  Maybe I’ll write two posts in rapid succession (which coincidentally rhymes with “recession”) to make up for my absence.  Maybe I won’t.  I doubt your lives will be drastically affected either way.

Moving on…in the interest of my reader’s valuable and irreplaceable time, I’ve devised a simple test to determine if reading any further would be worth your while.

Please take out a #2 pencil and a clean sheet of paper.  An equation sheet will be provided.  If you have any questions, please remain in your seat and raise your hand.  A TA will be over to assist you shortly.  Don’t forget to sign your name on the cover sheet of the exam before you hand it in.

The following exam is open book and open notes, feel free to consult your search engine of choice, phone a friend, or even ask the audience.

Who was elected the President of the United States on Tuesday, Nov 4^th, 2008?

(Please select only one answer)

(A)   John McCain

(B)   Chef Boyardee

(C)   Barack Obama

(D)  That one cute Alaskan chick…what was her name?  Palen?  Paline?  Something like that…

(E)   I have no idea, hang on, let me check Google real quick…alright, type in “Election 2008” and click “Search”…holy crap!?!?!  What?!?!

(F)    I reside outside the USA.  Hence, I don’t give a rat’s posterior…

(G)  All of the above

(H)  None of the above

(I)     Maybe some of the above…maybe not…

(J)     I don’t believe in one right answer.  All is one, and one viewpoint cannot be considered more correct than another.

If you selected (C), you’re apparently an informed (and quite possibly depressed) individual.  I advise that you stop reading this post, sell all your belongings (I call dibs on your gaming consoles), and move to a foreign country (since that’s where all our jobs will be going anyway).

If you answered anything other than (C), then you either don’t want to face reality or you don’t have a solid grasp on reality.  Either way, feer flee…er…I mean “feel free” to keep reading.

For the past 20+ months I’ve been bombarded with all manner of political-ness which has pervaded every facet of my internet, television and radio consumption. As we approached the permissible polling period, these invasions incessantly increased in intensity.  I longed for November 5th merely because I hoped this would bring an end to the annoyingly excessive permeation of all my media outlets (yes, I even heard political discussions on Xbox Live, they were often punctuated by gunfire and a series of explosions, which is how I feared this election might end) by uninvited politicians and their pundits.

So there I was.  The day after.  I woke up yesterday morning with grandeur notion of the cessation of all things political.  So I naively opened up my Yahoo homepage and was greeted with headlines like, “How Obama Won”, “Obama’s Road to Victory”, and “How Obama Made History”.

Well, I’m no expert, but as an engineer, I’d have to say he did it the exact same way every other president did it.  He got the highest score, the majority of the electoral thingys, the most filled-in bubbles on a scantron-type ballot.

(Please, to all you history buffs/gurus/nerds, I’m not looking for a lecture on how America has elected it’s presidents over the years.  I’m aware the Electoral College wasn’t established until 1787, and so my statement is not technically accurate.  Just roll with it…)

One more thing.  I know a lot of you college students are ecstatic that your guy won, but does that really give you warrant to run around campus yelling his name until 2am?  Whatever.  I eventually got to sleep.  Don’t worry about it.

Because I always like to end on a positive note, I advise humming or playing an A# above middle C.  I’ve found that to be a very positive note.

I’ve also provided links to some of my favorite political cartoons that are now completely irrelevant and pointless since the election is over.

Oh well.  Enjoy.

Irrelevant Cartoon #1

It's a RUF Life...

Here I sit…

With two exams staring me in the face…

And less than 30 minutes of studying under my belt…

Yet I choose to blog…

For you…

For all my readers…

I hope you appreciate my sacrifice…

So this past weekend at RUF fall retreat definitely rated up in my top ten of weekend experiences (It is right up there with my first successfully compiled C program and my first conversation with a non-consanguineous female).

Because I have class in less than forty minutes and I’d like to have this done by then, I’ll just touch on some of the highlights:

1.       The 5 hour car ride there and back

What better way to bond with a group of your peers than to share a small and confined space with them for hours on end?  I must say, between the candy and the classic rock and the lack of air conditioning, it was quite an enjoyable ride.  I conclude this highlight with a shout-out to my fellow car companions:

To Earl (aka “The Driver”), thanks for your unnerving stories, your on-the-road leadership, and especially for your trusty and reliable vehicle.

To Jessica (aka “I Rode Shotgun the Whole Way”), thanks for your Twizzlers and for your tolerance of my singing.  Oh, and I still don’t believe your “I might get motion sickness so I need to sit up front” story…

To Jackie (aka “The Texter”), thanks for helping us reduce uncertainty (yay for communication theories), and I still think the purple skin on your phone is awesome.

2.       NCSU beating 15^th ranked ECU in overtime

30-24...the score itself cannot convey the awesomeness contained in this game.  So much epic failure and epic pwnage in one game...  Two words:  GO PACK!

3.       Pastor Andy Jones and his talks on the Holy Spirit

It seems that the Father and the Son get most of the attention these days, and Pastor Andy’s insight on this subject was helpful and encouraging.  For some reflection concerning the Spirit and His many works, I highly recommend going through Romans 8.

4.    Ultimate Frisbee

It's Ultimate.  It's Frisbee.  ‘Nuff said…

And while I wouldn’t consider a highlight, I would be remiss if I didn’t at least mention the “hoe-down” on Saturday night.  Don’t get me wrong, I saw a lot of people having fun as they kicked their heels up to “Cotton-Eyed Joe-Schmo” (or something like that), but this whole bluegrass thing just isn’t for me.  This computer engineer is definitely out of his element when it comes to square dancing, the Virginia eel (or was it reel?), and flannel-plaid shirts.   (I wore my w00t shirt…heh…)

Well, that’s pretty much it.

Class is about to start and since I’m never one to ignore or skip a lecture (except when the situation calls for it, for details, see Appendix A) I probably should go.

So until next time, this is Jodrey…over and out…

Appendix A

A student may ignore/skip a lecture in the follow circumstances:

• He/she is within 100 XP points of leveling up in any given console video game
  
• He/she decides they are tired and wish to sleep
  
• He/she needs to catch up on Facebook/Xanga/MySpace or any other social networking site
  
• He/she already knows the material and could probably teach the class
  

Or in my particular case:

• He/she needs to finish a blog post that didn't get done before class

I Can See Clearly Now, The Rain Is Gone...

From the desk of Joshua Jodrey:

Attention Readers:

Due to the number of frantic and anxious emails I’ve received regarding my well-being in light of the incoming storm “Hanna”, I’ve decided to address the numerous fears laid out by my dear readers.  Hopefully this will assure you all of my complete and utter safety.

(Note: Because of the sheer volume of correspondence I’ve received on this topic, I will not be able to attend to each and every one.  However, I will strive to touch on as many issues as possible.)

Reader Email #1:

JOSH!!!  R U OK???  I C A STORM COMIN UR WAY!!  IMO, I THNK U SHUD GET OUT!! RUN!!...JK, LOL… JUST DON’T DIE, K?  LOL…WELL, I G2G, BUT I HOPE 2 C U SOON!!!

L8R,

BRITT <3

Concern(s) Expressed: Evacuation, Death

Britt,

You needn’t worry about my current location.  In a room encased by four brick walls, a tiled floor, and a ceiling that’s cracking and full of holes, I shall be perfectly safe.  Also, I have the underneath-ness of my bed to retreat to if need be.  There’s nothing like sleeping on tile with about 3 inches of headroom to keep one awake and alert through the night.

And as far as me dying goes, I have a plan in place to ensure that those close to me stay financially stable (Nathaniel, you get my lava lamp).

Reader Email #2

Mr. Jodrey,

It has come to my attention that your person may be in danger as a result of a westward moving tropical storm.  I fear that your rations and provisions may be lacking due to your college-student sized budget.  With that in mind, I am prepared to grant you with victuals sufficient to weather this storm.  Please respond posthaste with your current supply situation so that I may assist where needed.

Regards,

Chester Thomas Winslow III

Concern(s) Expressed:  Sufficient Sustenance

Chester,

While I appreciate your concern, I assure you that my food and beverage stash is ample enough to see my through this weekend.  The current contents of my fridge and pantry are:

¼ of a chocolate pie

3 cans of Cheerwine

3 cans of Rootbeer

12 fudge rounds

1 box of Cheerioes

1 box of Cheddar Bunnies

1 box of Cheezits

3 servings of Ramen Noodles

2 bags of popcorn

and some Wheat Thins I swiped from my suitemate

So, as you can see, despite just finishing off the last of the leftover pizza, I am in no need of anything in way of food or beverage.  Besides, there’s a convenience store just downstairs if I need to stock up on spam and filtered water.  Also, I have multiple fat layers that will serve as sustenance if the need for hibernation arises.

(I can hear the dissenting cries now…they’re thin fat layers, okay??)

Reader Email #3

Hey fellow chess player!

I play Kingpawn openings as white, and currently I’ve been responding to the Sicilian defense (c5) with 2.d4.  But I keep getting smashed by it, and it’s quite frustrating.  Are there any other options available to counter the Sicilian?

Thanks,

Jordan

Concern(s) Expressed: Lack of Success Playing  2.d4 Against the Sicilian

Jordan,

You bet you have other options!  I recommend going with 2.c3, the Alapin Variation.  This is what I play, and it avoids all the tactical nuances of the Open Sicilian.  It instead leads to a more closed position, and this is great for taking Sicilian players out of their element.  For getting started learning the 2.c3 variation, I suggest purchasing “Play the c3 Sicilian” by Eduardas Rozentalis & Andrew Harley.   From there, begin trying this move in your games, and watch your success rate improve!

Well readers, your numerous concerns are appreciated (for the multiple ladies who wrote in: yes I’m single, and no, I’m not looking for a relationship, now please don't cry), and I hope I have assuaged your fears somewhat.  In summary:

Yes, it will rain.  Yes, it will rain hard.  Yes, the wind will gust.  Yes, the wind will gust hard.  But I'll be alright, because I know the Weatherman.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a chocolate pie to finish off…