Chess_Guru's Xanga

Time Flies Like an Arrow, Fruit Flies Like a Banana

Mon, 01 Dec 2008 13:51:06 GMT

Having just returned from AL over break, I was contemplating on the challenges of geographically displaced friends and family. So I got to selfishly thinking, why couldn’t all those we care about live in the same town as us? We could have our own little society, and never have to travel far to visit loved ones. I acknowledged that to be fair, we would have to include friends of friends, and also include their friends and family, and their friends, and so on.

But then I realized that we already live there. It’s called Earth. Wasn’t it kind of God to place all of our friends and family on one planet? It saves us the hassle of intergalactic travel, which I hear can be quite a pain.

Just imagine if your little one has an accident midway to Neptune. Good luck changing that diaper in zero gravity. Oh, and since restroom stops are few and far between, you’ll probably have to bring some semblance of a container to…well…you know. Also, I’m not sure that Mapquest or Google Maps has adequate galaxy coverage, and there are very few landmarks (Daddy, that asteroid looks familiar…), so the chances of getting lost, ending up too close to the sun, and going from Original Recipe to Extra Crispy in about 0.003 seconds are rather significant. On the flip sides, if you don’t make like an intergalactic Eskimo and layer your clothing sufficiently, you’ll probably end up a human Popsicle (your choice of cherry or grape) before you reach your Saturn-dwelling relatives. Major bummer.

So I have to agree that God knew what He was doing with His plan for the universe (except for required humanity classes in college, I still don’t get that…). Anyway, back to planet Earth…

As I’ve previously mentioned, I spent my Thanksgiving break with the fam up in AL visiting the Radcliffe family. If I had to sum up the trip in one word, it would have to be: super-awesome-incredible-wish-it-wasn’t-over-so-soon

(Hyphenation still counts as one word, right?)

(Hmm, should they be called hyphens or dashes? Maybe both work, but I prefer “hyphen” due to the unique word construction, and because it almost rhymes with “python”, which is a programming language, so…yeah…hyphenation ftw…)

Anyway, I’ve listed some of the highlights from the trip below (Note: The following will contain several “you had to be there” or inside jokes, so if there’s something you don’t get or understand, don’t sweat it. I do apologize for the exclusive humor).

With that in mind, here we go…

Collapsing in laughter as my 7-year-old brother returns an interception the length of the field for a touchdown (He had the crowd on their feet)

Watching YouTube videos while waiting for episodes of 24 to buffer (Hotpockets…)

Washing pink and purple paintball specks out of my hair after being on the wrong end of a headshot (How long until I respawn?)

Singing “The Hokey Pokey” while standing in a circle with our arms crisscrossed (Tom, you so failed)

Failing miserably at dancing, hula-hooping, and some random broomstick maneuver while onlookers laughed hysterically (Glad I could bring a little light into this dark and dismal world)

Continually refreshing the browser as I “watched” my Wolfpack become bowl eligible (Stupid ESPN, isn’t NCSU important enough to have on a major channel? Come on…)

Scrambling frantically to recover from the changes made to my Facebook profile by a friend who obviously needs more redeeming ways to spend her time (I love you too Tab)

Flexing muscles and swooning chicks… (Or should I say, “female specimens”?)

And finally, thank the Lord for unlimited texting (I have to say I probably quadrupled my monthly output in the past 4 days)

So underall (uh…I mean “overall”, sorry, I always get those two mixed up), I had a fantastical, splenderifous, and uber amazing time with some of my bestest and most awesomest friends.

(Boy, spell check had a field day with that last sentence. I haven’t seen that many red marks since my last Computer Systems exam)

Thanks to everyone in AL for an unforgettable trip. Y’all are the kind of friends that make Earth so incredible…

Wide Awake...Or in my case, Skinny Awake

Tue, 11 Nov 2008 17:53:37 GMT

*Yawn*

I rolled over and snuggled further (Or is it farther? My apathy disallows me from looking it up myself, so if some grammar guru could get back with me on that, I’d appreciate it) under the covers. The stillness and tranquility of nighttime (broken only by the occasional mumble from my roommate below me) combined with the two inches of Temperpedic foam beneath me was slowly lulling me into a state of blissful unconsciousness. I sought to empty my mind of the distractions of yesterday, today, and tomorrowday (Yes, I appended “day” on the end of tomorrow. I strongly dislike the discontinuity that the lack of “day” presents. If yesterday and today get a “day” at the end of their word, I think tomorrow should too. Therefore I will now refer to the day after today as “tomorrowday”).

So there I was, mere picoseconds away from an eight hour hibernation (because I’m sure my Mom will read this through my sister’s account, allow me to clarify that I went to bed at 11:30pm, and yes, I had brushed my teeth, and yes, I’d taken my Juice Plus). When all of a sudden,

*clank-clank* *rattle-rattle-rattle*

I was greeted with all manner of metal related noises. Somewhat perturbed at being snatched from the periphery of slumber, I glanced over the edge of our bunk-bed attempting to locate the misbehaving machine miscreant. Aha, it appeared that the AC unit bordering my roommate’s bunk was making the racket. It had been quiet just a few seconds earlier, merely emitting a soft and comforting hum, but maybe that was its gameplan…attempt to lull me into a false sense of sleepy security, and then, BAM, make noise. While my roommate appeared to be oblivious and immune to the AC unit’s diabolical plot (aka, he was sleeping like a rock), I for one was not going to stand for it.

My plan was simple: Find the electrical outlet it was using, trace that line back to the powergrid, track that back to the power company supplying the electricity, send in a crack squad of covert ops troops, have them plant C4 at each of the company’s power stations, detonate the explosives, and VOILA! The AC unit shuts off!

It’s foolproof… (If you imagined Gill from “Finding Nemo” when you read that, you win)

Hmm…hang on…I think I might have spied some drawbacks to this plan. Despite the coolness of the plan, I think it would mean I would lose power to the Xbox and TV as well. We can’t have that! There must be a better way…

After several minutes of intense mental deliberation, I hit upon a new brilliant plan. Lift up the cover on the top of the AC unit and slide the tab from “ON” to “OFF”. Simple? Yes. Effective? Yes. Complex, cool, and awesome because it involves covert operations and explosives? No.

But it would have to do, as every minute I was losing another 60 billion nanoseconds of sleep!! So with my new shutdown scheme in mind, I again leaned over the edge of the top bunk and reached down towards the AC unit.

Hmm, my simple plan seems to have hit a slight snag… It seems that my roommate’s hand is resting directly on top of the panel that houses the ON/OFF button. I now am faced with an ethical dilemma.

Do I...

A) Attempt to gently move his hand and hope he doesn’t wake up with me leaning over the bed and holding his hand

B) Use my mind control powers to force him to roll over

C) Whisper “Scott, hey Scott” until he wakes up, and then explain my dilemma

D) Devise and construct a Rube Goldberg machine that will move his hand, lift the panel, and slide the button to “OFF”

In the end, I didn’t have to choose any of these options. Which is good, because each choice had its flaws.

Option A) had too much potential for extreme awkwardness…I would have had a lot of explaining to do…

Option B) was impossible because I didn’t have sufficient mana for my mind control spell.

Option C) was possible, but I decided not to out of respect for my roommate’s 8 o’clock class the next morning

Option D) would have uber awesome, but my building materials were rather limited. I’m not sure what I could have put together with a few dirty socks, a plastic bag, a box of Cheddar bunnies, and about a dozen empty Cheerwine cans.

What ended up happening was much less dramatic. My roommate mumbled and readjusted his sleeping position, thus freeing up the all important panel. I then proceeded to reach down, turn the AC unit off, and sleep until morning.

Now I know if you had asked anyone else to relate this experience, their answer would have been something normal, like, "Last night the air-conditioner was making noise, so I reached over and turned it off." But since I strive to avoid normalcy at all costs, I wrote a blog post about it. Aren't y'all lucky...

Btw, I know this is my second post in a week, but after my long absence, I figured I owed it to you guys. This post is an attempt to satiate your hunger and desire for more of my unique and quirky writings.

Don’t expect this to be a regular thing though. There’s no way I’m writing another one tomorrowday. You’ll just have to wait…

The Day After...

Thu, 06 Nov 2008 13:47:40 GMT

(Note: This post is not politically correct. The views expressed below are solely that of its author, and do not necessarily reflect the views of a sane or intellectually mature person.)

Excuse my lengthy blogging hiatus (I’ll save you a Google search, it means “break” or “pause”).

I have my reasons. They involve apathy and an Xbox. Maybe I’ll write two posts in rapid succession (which coincidentally rhymes with “recession”) to make up for my absence. Maybe I won’t. I doubt your lives will be drastically affected either way.

Moving on…in the interest of my reader’s valuable and irreplaceable time, I’ve devised a simple test to determine if reading any further would be worth your while.

Please take out a #2 pencil and a clean sheet of paper. An equation sheet will be provided. If you have any questions, please remain in your seat and raise your hand. A TA will be over to assist you shortly. Don’t forget to sign your name on the cover sheet of the exam before you hand it in.

The following exam is open book and open notes, feel free to consult your search engine of choice, phone a friend, or even ask the audience.

Who was elected the President of the United States on Tuesday, Nov 4^th, 2008?

(Please select only one answer)

(A) John McCain

(B) Chef Boyardee

(D) That one cute Alaskan chick…what was her name? Palen? Paline? Something like that…

(E) I have no idea, hang on, let me check Google real quick…alright, type in “Election 2008” and click “Search”…holy crap!?!?! What?!?!

(F) I reside outside the USA. Hence, I don’t give a rat’s posterior…

(G) All of the above

(H) None of the above

(I) Maybe some of the above…maybe not…

(J) I don’t believe in one right answer. All is one, and one viewpoint cannot be considered more correct than another.

If you selected (C), you’re apparently an informed (and quite possibly depressed) individual. I advise that you stop reading this post, sell all your belongings (I call dibs on your gaming consoles), and move to a foreign country (since that’s where all our jobs will be going anyway).

If you answered anything other than (C), then you either don’t want to face reality or you don’t have a solid grasp on reality. Either way, feer flee…er…I mean “feel free” to keep reading.

For the past 20+ months I’ve been bombarded with all manner of political-ness which has pervaded every facet of my internet, television and radio consumption. As we approached the permissible polling period, these invasions incessantly increased in intensity. I longed for November 5th merely because I hoped this would bring an end to the annoyingly excessive permeation of all my media outlets (yes, I even heard political discussions on Xbox Live, they were often punctuated by gunfire and a series of explosions, which is how I feared this election might end) by uninvited politicians and their pundits.

So there I was. The day after. I woke up yesterday morning with grandeur notion of the cessation of all things political. So I naively opened up my Yahoo homepage and was greeted with headlines like, “How Obama Won”, “Obama’s Road to Victory”, and “How Obama Made History”.

Well, I’m no expert, but as an engineer, I’d have to say he did it the exact same way every other president did it. He got the highest score, the majority of the electoral thingys, the most filled-in bubbles on a scantron-type ballot.

(Please, to all you history buffs/gurus/nerds, I’m not looking for a lecture on how America has elected it’s presidents over the years. I’m aware the Electoral College wasn’t established until 1787, and so my statement is not technically accurate. Just roll with it…)

One more thing. I know a lot of you college students are ecstatic that your guy won, but does that really give you warrant to run around campus yelling his name until 2am? Whatever. I eventually got to sleep. Don’t worry about it.

Because I always like to end on a positive note, I advise humming or playing an A# above middle C. I’ve found that to be a very positive note.

I’ve also provided links to some of my favorite political cartoons that are now completely irrelevant and pointless since the election is over.

Oh well. Enjoy.

Irrelevant Cartoon #1

Irrelevant Cartoon #2

Irrelevant Cartoon #3

Irrelevant Cartoon #4

It's a RUF Life...

Tue, 23 Sep 2008 17:39:36 GMT

Here I sit…

With two exams staring me in the face…

And less than 30 minutes of studying under my belt…

Yet I choose to blog…

For you…

For all my readers…

I hope you appreciate my sacrifice…

So this past weekend at RUF fall retreat definitely rated up in my top ten of weekend experiences (It is right up there with my first successfully compiled C program and my first conversation with a non-consanguineous female).

Because I have class in less than forty minutes and I’d like to have this done by then, I’ll just touch on some of the highlights:

1. The 5 hour car ride there and back

What better way to bond with a group of your peers than to share a small and confined space with them for hours on end? I must say, between the candy and the classic rock and the lack of air conditioning, it was quite an enjoyable ride. I conclude this highlight with a shout-out to my fellow car companions:

To Earl (aka “The Driver”), thanks for your unnerving stories, your on-the-road leadership, and especially for your trusty and reliable vehicle.

To Jessica (aka “I Rode Shotgun the Whole Way”), thanks for your Twizzlers and for your tolerance of my singing. Oh, and I still don’t believe your “I might get motion sickness so I need to sit up front” story…

To Jackie (aka “The Texter”), thanks for helping us reduce uncertainty (yay for communication theories), and I still think the purple skin on your phone is awesome.

2. NCSU beating 15^th ranked ECU in overtime

30-24...the score itself cannot convey the awesomeness contained in this game. So much epic failure and epic pwnage in one game... Two words: GO PACK!

3. Pastor Andy Jones and his talks on the Holy Spirit

It seems that the Father and the Son get most of the attention these days, and Pastor Andy’s insight on this subject was helpful and encouraging. For some reflection concerning the Spirit and His many works, I highly recommend going through Romans 8.

4. Ultimate Frisbee

It's Ultimate. It's Frisbee. ‘Nuff said…

And while I wouldn’t consider a highlight, I would be remiss if I didn’t at least mention the “hoe-down” on Saturday night. Don’t get me wrong, I saw a lot of people having fun as they kicked their heels up to “Cotton-Eyed Joe-Schmo” (or something like that), but this whole bluegrass thing just isn’t for me. This computer engineer is definitely out of his element when it comes to square dancing, the Virginia eel (or was it reel?), and flannel-plaid shirts. (I wore my w00t shirt…heh…)

Well, that’s pretty much it.

Class is about to start and since I’m never one to ignore or skip a lecture (except when the situation calls for it, for details, see Appendix A) I probably should go.

So until next time, this is Jodrey…over and out…

Appendix A

A student may ignore/skip a lecture in the follow circumstances:

He/she is within 100 XP points of leveling up in any given console video game
He/she decides they are tired and wish to sleep
He/she needs to catch up on Facebook/Xanga/MySpace or any other social networking site
He/she already knows the material and could probably teach the class

Or in my particular case:

He/she needs to finish a blog post that didn't get done before class

I Can See Clearly Now, The Rain Is Gone...

Fri, 05 Sep 2008 21:11:59 GMT

From the desk of Joshua Jodrey:

Attention Readers:

Due to the number of frantic and anxious emails I’ve received regarding my well-being in light of the incoming storm “Hanna”, I’ve decided to address the numerous fears laid out by my dear readers. Hopefully this will assure you all of my complete and utter safety.

(Note: Because of the sheer volume of correspondence I’ve received on this topic, I will not be able to attend to each and every one. However, I will strive to touch on as many issues as possible.)

Reader Email #1:

JOSH!!! R U OK??? I C A STORM COMIN UR WAY!! IMO, I THNK U SHUD GET OUT!! RUN!!...JK, LOL… JUST DON’T DIE, K? LOL…WELL, I G2G, BUT I HOPE 2 C U SOON!!!

L8R,

BRITT <3

Concern(s) Expressed: Evacuation, Death

Britt,

You needn’t worry about my current location. In a room encased by four brick walls, a tiled floor, and a ceiling that’s cracking and full of holes, I shall be perfectly safe. Also, I have the underneath-ness of my bed to retreat to if need be. There’s nothing like sleeping on tile with about 3 inches of headroom to keep one awake and alert through the night.

And as far as me dying goes, I have a plan in place to ensure that those close to me stay financially stable (Nathaniel, you get my lava lamp).

Reader Email #2

Mr. Jodrey,

It has come to my attention that your person may be in danger as a result of a westward moving tropical storm. I fear that your rations and provisions may be lacking due to your college-student sized budget. With that in mind, I am prepared to grant you with victuals sufficient to weather this storm. Please respond posthaste with your current supply situation so that I may assist where needed.

Regards,

Chester Thomas Winslow III

Concern(s) Expressed: Sufficient Sustenance

Chester,

While I appreciate your concern, I assure you that my food and beverage stash is ample enough to see my through this weekend. The current contents of my fridge and pantry are:

¼ of a chocolate pie

3 cans of Cheerwine

3 cans of Rootbeer

12 fudge rounds

1 box of Cheerioes

1 box of Cheddar Bunnies

1 box of Cheezits

3 servings of Ramen Noodles

2 bags of popcorn

and some Wheat Thins I swiped from my suitemate

So, as you can see, despite just finishing off the last of the leftover pizza, I am in no need of anything in way of food or beverage. Besides, there’s a convenience store just downstairs if I need to stock up on spam and filtered water. Also, I have multiple fat layers that will serve as sustenance if the need for hibernation arises.

(I can hear the dissenting cries now…they’re thin fat layers, okay??)

Reader Email #3

Hey fellow chess player!

I play Kingpawn openings as white, and currently I’ve been responding to the Sicilian defense (c5) with 2.d4. But I keep getting smashed by it, and it’s quite frustrating. Are there any other options available to counter the Sicilian?

Thanks,

Jordan

Concern(s) Expressed: Lack of Success Playing 2.d4 Against the Sicilian

Jordan,

You bet you have other options! I recommend going with 2.c3, the Alapin Variation. This is what I play, and it avoids all the tactical nuances of the Open Sicilian. It instead leads to a more closed position, and this is great for taking Sicilian players out of their element. For getting started learning the 2.c3 variation, I suggest purchasing “Play the c3 Sicilian” by Eduardas Rozentalis & Andrew Harley. From there, begin trying this move in your games, and watch your success rate improve!

Well readers, your numerous concerns are appreciated (for the multiple ladies who wrote in: yes I’m single, and no, I’m not looking for a relationship, now please don't cry), and I hope I have assuaged your fears somewhat. In summary:

Yes, it will rain. Yes, it will rain hard. Yes, the wind will gust. Yes, the wind will gust hard. But I'll be alright, because I know the Weatherman.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a chocolate pie to finish off…

She Sells C Cells Down By the Seashore

Sat, 30 Aug 2008 21:56:22 GMT

It’s the moment of truth…

The instant that causes one to reevaluate one’s life…

That split second where the proud are laid low, where the arrogant are made humble…

All false pretenses are stripped away, and only reality remains…

Brrr…it makes me cringe just typing about it…

What notable event am I referring to? I would think you should be able to guess by now.

But for those who aren’t privy to the inner workings of my unique mind (you can thank your lucky stars…or your lucky planets, or lucky asteroids…actually, you can just pick any interstellar object…doesn’t matter to me), I shall tell you.

The moment I am overdramatizing is one I’m sure we’ve all been through: Weekend at the beach, tropical colored bathing suit securely firmly around your waist (ladies, your experience may differ) to avoid any wardrobe mishaps, and nothing but the sunny sand and some seashells stands between your sandals and the salty sea. Seagulls soar in the sky… Surfers surf in the surf… (Wait, is that a babe in a two-piece? You discreetly attempt to get a better look. Nope…it’s just an old guy jogging. False alarm. I’ll keep you posted on any further possible sightings) You approach the rolling waves as they glide in and out over the shoreline. The chilly water is tolerable as you venture in up to your ankles. It gets a little colder as the sea soaks into your bathing suit and clings to your upper thighs. But then it happens...

A wave comes in, a little higher than anticipated, and unexpectedly catches you above your suit line! Waaah! Gaaah! The sudden contact of coldness and chillyness with your bellybutton sends shivers shooting down your spine! *shudder*

Yeah…that’s the traumatic event I’m talking about. It’s really quite an unpleasant experience.

*sigh* The things I go through for my readers…

BABE SIGHTING UPDATE: As I strolled down the wooded walkway to the beach, I noticed a gal out on the sand pointing a camera at me. So of course I bared my abs of steel, flexed, and struck a pose. Anything for my fans…

Oh, there was this other guy, who was smiling and waving to her further down the beach. I’m not sure what he has to do with anything, but I thought I should mention it.

(For those who don't get the title, I'll give you a hint: batteries)

I’m Not Skinny, I’m Svelte.

Wed, 13 Aug 2008 15:34:44 GMT

Alright folks, I’ve tolerated it up until now. Between trans fat bannings in CA, nationwide warnings of an obesity epidemic, and a slew of no-fat options for our favorite foods, I have had enough! With all the focus on the potbellied portion of our population, skinny people are being ignored! We may be slim, scrawny, and somewhat skeletal, but we have rights too! With all the hype surrounding healthier restaurant menus and a “less-fat in everything” mentality, I, along with the majority of my bean-pole sized brethren are feeling disenfranchised. Who is fighting for our civil liberties? The champions of our cause are notably absent today…

Also, both presidential hopefuls have been remarkable quiet on this matter. I have yet to hear either candidate consider any of the issues that are important to us, as the metabolized minimized-mass minority. I’d like to see some discussion of tax breaks for the average angular American. Perhaps talk of health care options for the entire emaciated earthling entity. Nobody is getting my vote until these topics are addressed.

But it’s not just food-related; the retailing industry plays a big (pun intended) part in this bony-based bigotry. Large people have their own stores, “Big and Tall”, but what about a “Small and Skinny” superstore? No. Not happening. Why? Because pleasantly plump people present perfect pictures for procuring a pure plethora of press. But cadaverous consumers crave custom clothes collections as well! Have you any idea how hard it is to find pants with a 27” waist and 34” inseam??

In other news, my friends and family threw me a surprise birthday party last Friday.
Luckily, I caught it. (Get it? Threw…caught? Har har. I kill me)
I then proceeded to eat cheesecake, ice cream, and candy, which led to an impressive evening weigh-in result of 122.5 lb.

One World, One Dream, One Geek

Tue, 05 Aug 2008 15:01:16 GMT

My week was pretty boring, and came be summed up in one word: workworkandmorework

Well, that’s not totally true…I was able to play Ultimate Frisbee a couple times during the week.

I’ve been asked why Ultimate Frisbee is my favorite sports, and the answer is quite simple: It is the best sport. I mean, how many other sports have an adjective in their name? Think about it, we don’t play “really cool soccer” or “awesome baseball”, do we? No. We don’t. We play Ultimate Frisbee. Aptly named, for it is the ultimate sport. Viva la disc

</Random Aside>

But I shan’t bore you with the details of my week. No, that’s what I did last time, and I crave variety. So today I shall bore you with the details of my weekend…Olympic commentary style…

This weekend, not unlike many others, started out Saturday morning (go figure)…

*Opening music begins to play*

Voiceover: Welcome to CNNABC (College Nerds Network And Broadcasting Company), and our live coverage of the games! We go now to Bob…

Thanks, and hi folks! I’m Bob Inthebooth here to cover this weekend’s exciting drama as it unfolds. You’re just in time for the opening event…wakey-wakey-time! A hush falls over the crowd as Jodrey approaches his mattress dismount. The alarm goes off, he stands up, and…Oh no! He hit the snooze! And he is back down! That is going to cost him.

…

Alrighty, we’ve made it to the afternoon, we new rejoin our tri-mathlete (no that’s not a typo, Jodrey doesn’t meet the physical qualifications for an athlete, so we invented a word for him) on the Ultimate Frisbee field where is doing his best Hoover Vacuum impression. Here alongside me is my co-host, Huck Thatdisc. Wow, look at that form Huck…those many hours of first person shooters are really paying off…

You’re right Bob, his technique is quite apparent as he wheezes and gasps his way across the field. Oh, and the disc is up, Jodrey gives chase, leaps for it, and…oh! He nearly got off the ground this time! He was close Bob, he was close.

Indeed he was Huck, a truly valiant jumping effort from the skinny white male.

…

Alright folks, we’re about ready the next event of the evening…swingdancing! I’m Bob Inthebooth, but let’s go now to our on the floor reporter, Duyah Gotthemoves…Duyah?

Thanks Bob, I’m down here as Joshua Jodrey takes the stage…hoping to become our first ever geek participant in the swingdancing competition. A bit of a sidenote here as Jodrey and his partner began their routine, Joshua was almost forced to forfeit this round due to his lack of a dancing partner.

Is that so Duyah?

That’s right Bob. Apparently a young lady only agreed to dance with him after Jodrey promised never to speak to her again. I guess drastic times call for drastic measures.

So Duyah, did you get a chance to talk to Joshua before the dance?

I did Bob, and when asked what his strategy was, he replied, quote "Math".

He said "math"?

That's right Bob, he said, quote "It will be integral for me to be able to differentiate between my left foot and my right foot. As long as I don't end up tangent to floor, I should be able to function."

Inspiring words Duyah...inspiring words...

…

Welcome people and other people to the final two events of the weekend! We seen some fierce competition thus far, and today’s qualifiers promise to be promising! First up is the age old card game of Egyptian Ratscrew/Slapjack! The game where quitters never slap, and slappers never quit. Our journalist covering the match, Dang Myhandhurts, is down on the field now with our contestants. So Dang, who all is participating today?

Well Bob, we have four players from all around the country here raring and ready to go. First, we have Sarah Byrohn* from way way way up north somewhere. Next we have a brother duo, Nathaniel and William Tjonnhso* from not so far away. And finally, we have the nerd of lore, Joshua Jodrey**. Let’s get started! Sarah wins the first sequence of cards after dishing out a Jack. And she wins the next one with another unanswered Jack, and yet another! Dang!

Yes Bob?

No, sorry Dang…I meant, “dang” as in “wow, she’s good”.

Oh.

Anyway, back to the action packed action…it looks like Nathaniel has battled back with a couple of timely slaps.

Actually Bob, that last one just looked like he left his hand on the card as he played it.

Ah, you’re right Dang, but that one gets by the officials. Oh! William wins the next round when Josh is unable to answer William’s queen with a facecard…and it appears that there is some confusion now…William is unsure that he actually won. The referee is quick to ensure him that yes, those cards are now his. Well, as these competitive competitors continue to compete, let’s ahead over to our coverage of the final event, Spoons! And covering this classic card game tonight is the ever lovely Ima Spork, Ima?

Thanks Bob. And we are just about ready for a titantic untensil clash! Who will end up with the gold, silverware, and bronze? We'll find out! And there they go! It's a face to rour cards...I mean it's a race to four cards! Oh! There they go! The mad scramble is on! And the player eliminated is

*static*

Ima? Can you hear me Ima? Well, I’m sorry folks, but it appears that we’ve lost our connection. No word yet on if these technical difficulties are smog related, but while we take some time to sort things out, let’s have a word from our sponsors!

(Instead of showing actual commericals, I’ll just give a brief summary)

*multiple consecutive 17-sec displays of hot women associated with some product that every American didn’t know they needed, but apparently must have*

Followed by:

*multiple consecutive 17-sec presentation on how you aren’t cool enough without this product, and how everyone will love you if you own this product*

Well, I’m sorry Mr. Media. But I don’t drink beer, I’m not looking to purchase a new car, I don’t have trouble sleeping, I don’t struggle with performances issues (well, perhaps athletically…but never mind), and I don’t have an enlarged prostate. So none of these ads really apply to me…

(Okay, let’s see if Bob Inthebooth has gotten that technical trouble worked out yet)

Welcome back, and it appears that we’ve been able to reestablish a link back to our coverage of the games. Let’s see if we can reach Ima. Ima? Can you hear me?

Sure can Bob, and wow…what a finish! I’ve never seen such a display of athleticism before, it was truly inspirational! They’ll be talking about this one for years to come…back to you Bob.

But Ima…we didn’t…I couldn’t…there was...

*Closing music begins to play*

Voiceover: Thanks for tuning in ladies and gentlemen! I hope you enjoyed our coverage of the games!

Bob (gesturing madly): Wait! Stop! We had problems with the audio and video feed!

Voiceover: Until next time…from all the folks here at CNNABC, good night!

Bob (running around frantically): No! We didn’t get to see the end! You have to…

*cuts to a commercial*

(btw, for all you interested parties, Jodrey medaled in the pocket protector toss, the 100-mouseclick dash, and freestyle wresting…ha, jk, lol, rofl, kthx, g2g, ttly, cya)

* Not their real names (I scrambled the letters in their last name…in case you were wondering)
** His real name

"But Officer...There Was Bee"

Sat, 26 Jul 2008 01:48:48 GMT

Welcome back to My Life as a Dork! Here’s your host, Josh Jodrey!

*thunderous applause as I run on stage*

Thank you…thank you ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, immature teens and female teens! Glad you could join me for another week in review, where we give you all the highlights, the lowlights, the fastlights, and the slowlights of this past week.

I’ll just touch on my favorite escapades…

Saturday: Worked on a house for 5 hours in the morning with Habitat for Humanity. Boy, you shoulda seen me…I’m just a natural when it comes to any type of manual labor. If it involves heavy lifting and general grunt work, I’m your man.

(Honestly, I refused to caulk the trim because I didn’t want to get my fingers messy.)

I did some touchup painting, cut and installed some trim (nothing makes you feel macho like a nail-gun), and entertained the rest of the crew with my juvenile and childish antics.

I wish we could have worked on the wiring…that would have been neat. (Brace yourselves) I’m actually quite well known on the electrical engineering circuit. Currently, I’m writing a series of short, enlightening articles that are well grounded in wiring theory. Some have found them revolting, and my writing has met with much resistance, but I think this impedance is just a sine that it’s a passing phase. Oh well, my critics can complain until their head hertz, I shall remain positive.

Okay, enough with the puns…

Anyway, after finishing our work on the house in the afternoon, we went ohm. (whoops, sorry, that one snuck in there)

Sunday: I actually behaved myself on Sunday...not much to report...

Monday: I got to star in our church’s VBS production of “Gideon”. I was Israelite #2. And let me you, I totally rocked the Mid-Eastern garb theme. I had a green curtain-thing tied around my head and a lighter green tablecloth pinned on like a toga. I was the living definition of debonair, and I definitely got noticed. It turns out that several “Bed, Bath & Beyond” talent scouts were in the audience, and since then I’ve received multiple fabric modeling contract offers.

Tuesday: Played some Halo 3 on Xbox Live. Mouthed off to some guy thinking my mic was muted. It wasn’t. His response: “I’m talking to my friend you ********, so **** *** you ******.” Whoops…

Wednesday: Wanted to play volleyball in the evening, but a mid-summer deluge convinced me to switch to plan B, which was to make sure I had a plan B next time something like this happened.

Thursday: Had some fun with Google screenshots. See for yourself…

What? You mean they don't??

Uh...like, duh!

Whoops, I always get those two confused. Can't argue with Google though...it knows all.

Friday: Had my first brush with the law.

This sentence is just filler while your imaginations run wild with how you think I got in trouble. What?? You were hoping I went to jail?? Come on people…I’m not that stupi…well, I’m not that dum…uh, I’m not that incompe…never mind.

Okay, here’s how it went down.

I’m on my way to work in the morning, and I swing by and pick up my carpool buddy. So I’m two streets down from his house, and I make a left onto a road that leads out of town and towards the interstate. I’m probably a couple hundred yards down the road when I pass a police car. Which then promptly executes a swift U-turn. My heart rate rises. I turn to my passenger (who has asked to remain anonymous), “Um, it’s 45 here, right?” Oh wait, there’s a 45mph speed limit sign, and I was going 50ish…surely he’s not pulling me over. Blue lights go on. Crap. I pull over, cop gets out and walks slowly and ominously over to my window.

“I pulled you for doing 52 in a 35” says Mr. FirmLawMan.“What?” I ask, as confused sounding as possibly, “I just passed a sign that said it was 45mph.” Mr. BigHatAndShinyBadge went on to explain that it’s 35 back where he turned around, and it switches to 45 down the road. (In fact, I pulled over next to a speed limit sign with a big “45” on it just to be sure he didn’t miss it) I apologized, and assured him that I had missed the 35 signs and was under the impression it was 45. Mr. NotBuyingMyInnocentAct next asked if I’ve had any previous violations. “No sir,” I answered, calculating what my insurance is going to be after this “17 over” debacle… He then uttered the 8 most beautiful words I have ever heard: “Well, I’m just gonna give you a warning.” At which point Mr. NewBestFriend walked back to his car and I congratulated myself for not going with my initial plan of trying to pay the cop off with donuts…

Oh, the officer also told me not to get confused in the future, as the left lane (heading into town) does have a speed limit of 45mph, but the right lane (leaving town) was only 35mph initially. I nodded and drove away while thinking “WTH??” (that’s “what the heck”, in case you needed clarification) I had no idea one side of the road could be a different speed limit than the other…but whatever, I was just glad he didn’t notice the dead body in the back, the booze under my seat, the less-than-legal plants in the trunk, and the .45 in the glove box. Whew.

I do worry about the witness I had. See, I was driving my Mom’s Toyota Echo to work that day, so picture this: Two guys (acting polite and soft-spoken)…driving a cute little car…and my Mom’s rainbow keychain that says “I love David”…

Hope he didn’t get the wrong impression.

I'll end with a big musical number. So put your favorite song on, play it real loud, and read these final words:

ALMOST THE END

"You only think I guessed wrong! That's what's so funny! I switched glasses when your back was turned! Ha ha! You fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders! The most famous is never get involved in a land war in Asia, but only slightly less well-known is this: never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha..." *thud*"

THE END

Alliteration, Juggling, Nerf Guns, and a Romantic Subplot

Sat, 19 Jul 2008 01:32:40 GMT

I’m going to be honest guys, I haven’t got much today…Merely me, a magniloquent and macilent male of much myasthenia, musing on multiple matters. Mind you, my meditations may be made of many malapropisms. Muwahahaha…MOOSEN!

So here goes nothing...

As a random aside, I find that phrase rather ironic.
Wait, can it be an aside if I haven’t really talked about anything else yet? Since technically, “aside” conveys a change in direction, and that can’t really happen unless an original direction was established. So I guess that statement was inaccurate. Sorry.
(Oh, but this was most definitely an aside.)

Anyhoo…
I still find that phrase to be ironic. We usually say that when we're about to do something fairly significant (and potentially stupid and life-threatening). So why do we say "Here Goes Nothing"? I have a couple of thoughts...

Perhaps we are trying to minimize the apparent risk…
"Oh hey guys, I know I could die and all, but it's really nothing."

Maybe it’s an effort at arrogance…
"Ah well, it may look dangerous and foolhardy, but for me, it's nothing."

Or does it just sound better than the more accurate "Here Goes Something"?

Hmm…I may never know…Moving on…

For my next act, I shall juggle two chainsaws, three katanas, an 8-piece china plate set, and flaming effigy of Christina Aguilera. Ready? Here goes nothing! (er…I mean, here goes something.)

*tosses items in the air and juggles them successfully for 24 minutes*

Wow, that was awesome! Bet you wish you had a webcam now, huh?

But if that didn’t satisfy your quest for awesomeness (sheesh, what more can I do??), I give you…*drums fingers on desk dramatically*…The Great Office War!!

http://video.yahoo.com/watch/2914018/8348131
I am SO working in the wrong office…

Speaking of movies, I’m sure most of you are familiar with the film “Dark Knight” that just came out. I must say, I’ve been extremely disappointed with the online reviews I’ve read so far. I discovered that the name of the movie is very misleading. Take the words “Dark Knight”, and tell me what’s the first thing that comes to mind.

A chess film, right? I mean, duh! I was expecting the plot to consist of an evil and sinister chess knight who is striving for board domination. The general script would go like this:
A lowly pawn in the service of this knight accidentally discovers his master’s schemes and immediately goes to the king with this information. The king is outraged at this treachery, and declares war on the knight and his minions. An epic battle rages, pieces are lost, squares are captured, but the king and his army emerges victorious.
Oh, there would also be a romantic subplot between the queen and one of the bishops.

I think that would be an awesome movie! Be honest now, who here would love to see that flick? Oh…um…really? No one? *sigh* You people disappoint me…you weirdos. What’s that you say? I’m the one who’s weird? Well…well…what if everyone else is weird, and I’M the normal one? Huh? Huh? Betcha never thought about that…

Back to your lives people…show’s over…